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I think I've just watched the stupidest film ever. Which is quite an achievement, both on the watching front, and on the part of the movie itself. It's not easy to be the stupidest film ever, given how many contenders there are. This one takes a pretty good shot at the title, though. Actually it takes several.
It's called Prisoners Of The Lost Universe (1983), and it's a bargain basement sci fi movie starring Richard Hatch. Most people know Richard Hatch from Battlestar Galactica, and not a lot else; and whilst I could claim to be different, I'd be lying. Not an actor that I know a lot about, although certainly not one that I've ever avoided on purpose. It's just that generally when I see Richard Hatch, he has Lieutenant Starbuck standing next to him - and that's a pretty effective distraction. The poor fellow's a bit comparable to Robert Vaughn, really. Had a show, was supposed to be the star, lost it almost immediately to the blond bloke who was supposed to just be the sidekick. Whereas Robert Vaughn went on to have a pretty distinguished career, however, Richard Hatch ended up in Prisoners Of The Lost Universe. Ouch.
So, there's a woman, and she presents a tacky science show on TV. She's invited to go and interview a mad professor, and on the way there nearly kills Richard Hatch. He's hilariously aggressive, although I suppose he does sort of have just cause. And she is very irritating. Abandoning him at the roadside, she rushes off to make her appointment, and the mad professor is soon showing her his matter transporter machine. It has a fabulous ability to zap objects into another dimension, by the amazing power of green glitter. Then there's an earthquake and he falls into it. Worst falling over acting ever. It's brilliant. Arriving shortly afterwards to use the phone, Richard Hatch also gets earthquaked into the machine; and the woman, apparently just because she doesn't want to be left behind on boring old Earth when there's a dodgy special effect to jump into, leaps after him.
And then there's an hour and a half of creatures, war lords, fires, scantily-clad extras, and some of the worst acting ever inflicted upon innocent viewers. It's the sort of film where you don't just wonder how it got made, you wonder why it got made as well. I'm trying to think of a high point, but if it does have any, it's keeping them jolly well hidden. There are some swords, there are some explosions, and there is John Saxon, all of which, ordinarily, would definitely be high points. Here they're just things that happen, on the long, long road to the relative safety of the end credits. Richard Hatch turns out to be excellent with a sword, though. Not proper fighting, exactly, but whirly, looks-good-on-camera stuff. Why didn't he ever do that on Battlestar Galactica? I might have taken more notice of him then. Also, a sword fight with a Cylon would have been excellent.
Pictures then, for I am kind and good, and like to spread the pain.
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.
Hurrah! Note obligatory made-up character name. All self-respecting alien war lords have stupid names. The childhood bullying over the issue is presumably what inspires them to become mass murderers.
The film begins with a snake. Which is promising, if somewhat misleading.
There is a woman staring at the snake. She's demonstrating the "scientific principle" of snake hypnosis. Okay. This has no particular relevance to anything, other than establishing our leading lady as a bit of a twit. An interesting, if not especially advisable, creative decision.
Dashing to an interview, she nearly kills Richard Hatch. He's terribly upset that his piece of wood got snapped. So far, the dialogue is inspiring.
A mad professor.
The mad professor's wonderful equipment. He types, in no way randomly, on his lovely eighties keyboard.
And hey presto! Some random odds and ends get zapped into another universe.
Then we get a glimpse of this other universe, complete with sparkly tree.
Falling Over Acting. A fabulously inconvenient earth tremor causes the mad professor to fall into his own experiment, and disappear in a puff of green sparkle. Just before Richard Hatch arrives, hoping to borrow his telephone.
"You mean he was standing right here, and a random earthquake made him fall into another universe?! Ha!" Naturally this is the cue for another random earthquake.
Having fallen into another universe, our heroine huffs a bit, as though it's about as much inconvenience as dropping her pen. Then she sits on a rock, and poses in the nice sunlight.
A caveman in some quicksand. She rescues him, and in return he becomes her stalker. Whenever she's in danger, he turns up in the nick of time and saves her life. Which is pretty impressive, if inexplicable.
It's an army of glowing-eyed birdmen!
But have no fear, for Richard Hatch is here to save the day. Well, actually they just fall down a cliff, but handily the caveman stalker was still nearby. Then they get back up the cliff by climbing up some string that Richard Hatch has dangling from his belt. How can you climb up something that thin? And he stands at the bottom and looks up the heroine's skirt the whole time she's climbing. He even smirks while he's doing it, which leads me to question just how likeable he's supposed to be.
Incidentally, despite having fallen through the sparkly green curtain only a second before our heroine, Richard Hatch claims to have already been in the lost universe for a week. Clearly he's found somewhere with a really great laundry service, then, as no way has that shirt seen a week in the great outdoors.
Next, our intrepid explorers meet a green man, who agrees to show them around their new world. Or a bit of it. This is in exchange for them having saved him from the absolutely terrifying red-eyed birdy things. They make camp beside a river, which of course our heroine decides to go skinny-dipping in. Everybody's first move upon finding a river in another universe.
There's a beast in the river. It growls, then gets shot by the green man, who promptly departs with his debt paid. So our heroine and Richard Hatch randomly have sex. Which, fortunately, we are spared from having to watch.
Tasteful cut to a sparkly tree.
It's John Saxon! At least he looks happy to be here.
He shoots Richard Hatch, which causes a spectacular leap down a minor slope of doom.
John Saxon fails to understand why our heroine is not immediately attracted to him. He's seen the rest of this universe. He knows he's by far the best thing in it.
Case in point. Dashing (well, sort of) to the rescue of his new girlfriend, Richard Hatch teams up with the green man, the caveman, and this bloke here. He's a thief. A camp, bitchy, queen of a thief. Who cannot act for toffee. His every scene is agony.
I should be strictly fair and say that, since I don't think I've ever seen him in anything else, he might not be all that bad. He maybe just can't be bothered, given the script.
Captured by some people, Richard Hatch has to win a contest in order to be set free. This seems to involve dancing around a large, golden man in a nappy. He then pushes the large, golden man against a rock, which causes him to explode. Okay.
This leads to a cage, and some pouting.
Then to some whirly stuff with a sword, which is quite possibly the only entertaining part of the film.
You can tell how desperate he is to go and rescue his girlfriend, can't you. Urgency just radiates out of the screen.
Unexpected woodland zombie!
Reunited, the gang find the mad professor, who has been living with John Saxon for more than a year now. (Time is weird in the lost universe). He's spent his days building guns, and inventing gunpowder and other explosives, since helping John Saxon to conquer the world is a lot more fun than dying in the wilderness. The rest of the cast is decidedly lacking in sympathy.
Recreating a Led Zeppelin video, I think.
Another cage. They're good with these.
And then they bust out, and blow some stuff up thanks to the professor's arsenal, and I don't care. Boom, shout, boom, shout, whirly sword, shout. John Saxon dies pointlessly, apparently just because the caveman shoves him, and then everybody worries about how they'll possibly find their way home. Fortunately, our heroine recognises the sparkly tree of earlier.
She and Richard Hatch find the right place to stand in, and all is green and sparkly. The mad professor then gets upset, as apparently this leaves him stranded. Why? Can't he just go and stand in the same place? Unless they turn off his equipment, the portal is presumably still there. Still, that's where the film ends, so who knows. Maybe there's a sequel, about the professor's quest for the door? I think I shall hope that there isn't.
So, that was Prisoners Of The Lost Universe. It wasn't a universe, so much as a valley; it didn't appear to be very lost; and nobody was really a prisoner of it. But I suppose it's a nice, dramatic title. It was the only bit of it that was dramatic, but it could have been worse. (It couldn't, I'm trying to think of something nice to say). It doesn't even have a good ending. It just stops. I suppose killing off John Saxon counts as a plot resolution of a sort (albeit a mean one), but all the really irritating characters are left alive, and where's the justice in that? Still, John Saxon went on to star in Nightmare On Elm Street the following year, so I guess he had the last laugh. I just hope it was a mad, cackly one, with appropriate hand-rubbing.
To conclude... do not watch this film. Ever. Seriously, it's not worth it, even if you're the biggest Richard Hatch fan ever. Especially if you're the biggest Richard Hatch fan ever. If you must watch some eighties!RH, stick to his episode of Riptide. You won't regret it. Watch Prisoners Of The Lost Universe and you'll probably still be regretting it this time next year.
And now if you'll excuse me, I'm off on a quest to find my lost brain cells. I fear I may be some time.
It's called Prisoners Of The Lost Universe (1983), and it's a bargain basement sci fi movie starring Richard Hatch. Most people know Richard Hatch from Battlestar Galactica, and not a lot else; and whilst I could claim to be different, I'd be lying. Not an actor that I know a lot about, although certainly not one that I've ever avoided on purpose. It's just that generally when I see Richard Hatch, he has Lieutenant Starbuck standing next to him - and that's a pretty effective distraction. The poor fellow's a bit comparable to Robert Vaughn, really. Had a show, was supposed to be the star, lost it almost immediately to the blond bloke who was supposed to just be the sidekick. Whereas Robert Vaughn went on to have a pretty distinguished career, however, Richard Hatch ended up in Prisoners Of The Lost Universe. Ouch.
So, there's a woman, and she presents a tacky science show on TV. She's invited to go and interview a mad professor, and on the way there nearly kills Richard Hatch. He's hilariously aggressive, although I suppose he does sort of have just cause. And she is very irritating. Abandoning him at the roadside, she rushes off to make her appointment, and the mad professor is soon showing her his matter transporter machine. It has a fabulous ability to zap objects into another dimension, by the amazing power of green glitter. Then there's an earthquake and he falls into it. Worst falling over acting ever. It's brilliant. Arriving shortly afterwards to use the phone, Richard Hatch also gets earthquaked into the machine; and the woman, apparently just because she doesn't want to be left behind on boring old Earth when there's a dodgy special effect to jump into, leaps after him.
And then there's an hour and a half of creatures, war lords, fires, scantily-clad extras, and some of the worst acting ever inflicted upon innocent viewers. It's the sort of film where you don't just wonder how it got made, you wonder why it got made as well. I'm trying to think of a high point, but if it does have any, it's keeping them jolly well hidden. There are some swords, there are some explosions, and there is John Saxon, all of which, ordinarily, would definitely be high points. Here they're just things that happen, on the long, long road to the relative safety of the end credits. Richard Hatch turns out to be excellent with a sword, though. Not proper fighting, exactly, but whirly, looks-good-on-camera stuff. Why didn't he ever do that on Battlestar Galactica? I might have taken more notice of him then. Also, a sword fight with a Cylon would have been excellent.
Pictures then, for I am kind and good, and like to spread the pain.
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.
Hurrah! Note obligatory made-up character name. All self-respecting alien war lords have stupid names. The childhood bullying over the issue is presumably what inspires them to become mass murderers.
The film begins with a snake. Which is promising, if somewhat misleading.
There is a woman staring at the snake. She's demonstrating the "scientific principle" of snake hypnosis. Okay. This has no particular relevance to anything, other than establishing our leading lady as a bit of a twit. An interesting, if not especially advisable, creative decision.
Dashing to an interview, she nearly kills Richard Hatch. He's terribly upset that his piece of wood got snapped. So far, the dialogue is inspiring.
A mad professor.
The mad professor's wonderful equipment. He types, in no way randomly, on his lovely eighties keyboard.
And hey presto! Some random odds and ends get zapped into another universe.
Then we get a glimpse of this other universe, complete with sparkly tree.
Falling Over Acting. A fabulously inconvenient earth tremor causes the mad professor to fall into his own experiment, and disappear in a puff of green sparkle. Just before Richard Hatch arrives, hoping to borrow his telephone.
"You mean he was standing right here, and a random earthquake made him fall into another universe?! Ha!" Naturally this is the cue for another random earthquake.
Having fallen into another universe, our heroine huffs a bit, as though it's about as much inconvenience as dropping her pen. Then she sits on a rock, and poses in the nice sunlight.
A caveman in some quicksand. She rescues him, and in return he becomes her stalker. Whenever she's in danger, he turns up in the nick of time and saves her life. Which is pretty impressive, if inexplicable.
It's an army of glowing-eyed birdmen!
But have no fear, for Richard Hatch is here to save the day. Well, actually they just fall down a cliff, but handily the caveman stalker was still nearby. Then they get back up the cliff by climbing up some string that Richard Hatch has dangling from his belt. How can you climb up something that thin? And he stands at the bottom and looks up the heroine's skirt the whole time she's climbing. He even smirks while he's doing it, which leads me to question just how likeable he's supposed to be.
Incidentally, despite having fallen through the sparkly green curtain only a second before our heroine, Richard Hatch claims to have already been in the lost universe for a week. Clearly he's found somewhere with a really great laundry service, then, as no way has that shirt seen a week in the great outdoors.
Next, our intrepid explorers meet a green man, who agrees to show them around their new world. Or a bit of it. This is in exchange for them having saved him from the absolutely terrifying red-eyed birdy things. They make camp beside a river, which of course our heroine decides to go skinny-dipping in. Everybody's first move upon finding a river in another universe.
There's a beast in the river. It growls, then gets shot by the green man, who promptly departs with his debt paid. So our heroine and Richard Hatch randomly have sex. Which, fortunately, we are spared from having to watch.
Tasteful cut to a sparkly tree.
It's John Saxon! At least he looks happy to be here.
He shoots Richard Hatch, which causes a spectacular leap down a minor slope of doom.
John Saxon fails to understand why our heroine is not immediately attracted to him. He's seen the rest of this universe. He knows he's by far the best thing in it.
Case in point. Dashing (well, sort of) to the rescue of his new girlfriend, Richard Hatch teams up with the green man, the caveman, and this bloke here. He's a thief. A camp, bitchy, queen of a thief. Who cannot act for toffee. His every scene is agony.
I should be strictly fair and say that, since I don't think I've ever seen him in anything else, he might not be all that bad. He maybe just can't be bothered, given the script.
Captured by some people, Richard Hatch has to win a contest in order to be set free. This seems to involve dancing around a large, golden man in a nappy. He then pushes the large, golden man against a rock, which causes him to explode. Okay.
This leads to a cage, and some pouting.
Then to some whirly stuff with a sword, which is quite possibly the only entertaining part of the film.
You can tell how desperate he is to go and rescue his girlfriend, can't you. Urgency just radiates out of the screen.
Unexpected woodland zombie!
Reunited, the gang find the mad professor, who has been living with John Saxon for more than a year now. (Time is weird in the lost universe). He's spent his days building guns, and inventing gunpowder and other explosives, since helping John Saxon to conquer the world is a lot more fun than dying in the wilderness. The rest of the cast is decidedly lacking in sympathy.
Recreating a Led Zeppelin video, I think.
Another cage. They're good with these.
And then they bust out, and blow some stuff up thanks to the professor's arsenal, and I don't care. Boom, shout, boom, shout, whirly sword, shout. John Saxon dies pointlessly, apparently just because the caveman shoves him, and then everybody worries about how they'll possibly find their way home. Fortunately, our heroine recognises the sparkly tree of earlier.
She and Richard Hatch find the right place to stand in, and all is green and sparkly. The mad professor then gets upset, as apparently this leaves him stranded. Why? Can't he just go and stand in the same place? Unless they turn off his equipment, the portal is presumably still there. Still, that's where the film ends, so who knows. Maybe there's a sequel, about the professor's quest for the door? I think I shall hope that there isn't.
So, that was Prisoners Of The Lost Universe. It wasn't a universe, so much as a valley; it didn't appear to be very lost; and nobody was really a prisoner of it. But I suppose it's a nice, dramatic title. It was the only bit of it that was dramatic, but it could have been worse. (It couldn't, I'm trying to think of something nice to say). It doesn't even have a good ending. It just stops. I suppose killing off John Saxon counts as a plot resolution of a sort (albeit a mean one), but all the really irritating characters are left alive, and where's the justice in that? Still, John Saxon went on to star in Nightmare On Elm Street the following year, so I guess he had the last laugh. I just hope it was a mad, cackly one, with appropriate hand-rubbing.
To conclude... do not watch this film. Ever. Seriously, it's not worth it, even if you're the biggest Richard Hatch fan ever. Especially if you're the biggest Richard Hatch fan ever. If you must watch some eighties!RH, stick to his episode of Riptide. You won't regret it. Watch Prisoners Of The Lost Universe and you'll probably still be regretting it this time next year.
And now if you'll excuse me, I'm off on a quest to find my lost brain cells. I fear I may be some time.