The Continuing Perils Of Jim Hawkins, Esq.

[swordznsorcery]

Life just doesn't get any easier for Jim Hawkins. Having already been attacked, nearly skewered, nearly burnt to death, nearly skewered again, knocked off his horse and bashed over the head just in the space of the first episode, things really didn't get any easier in episodes two through six. In seven and eight they manage to get even worse. Having fetched up in Mexico, Jim decides that the best thing he can do to clear his name of episode five's phony murder charge is to ride cross country to an alleged outpost of civilisation, from which he can hopefully get a ship back to Blighty. Not that this would necessarily be of much use even if the plan had worked, since all the people he was intending to go to for help will shortly be heading off to Jamaica. And I doubt they'd have conveniently met halfway across the Atlantic. Jim sets off, then, leaving his engaging boyfriend Abed behind with Vanderbrecken The Towering Dutchman Of Unnecessary Height. He does take Conchita along with him for company, however, she being the woman who helped them all escape from the pirate island an episode or two back. Conchita fancies Jim, though he remains spectacularly unaware of this. Open your eyes, Jim. She is much, much better than the annoying Senorita Isabella. Although not necessarily better than Abed. The only real problem with Conchita is that somehow she has "Disaster Waiting To Happen" stamped on her forehead. She always did, even back when I was watching this for the first time, in the summer of '86. Still, as we soon see, the pirate island she left behind just got taken by Spaniards, so she's temporarily lucky at any rate. The same can't be said for Long John Silver and co, shipped off into slavery in the mines of Superintendente Garcia.

Ah yes. Garcia. Garcia's a bad guy. This is immediately apparent by his evil stare, and by his evil clothes, and by his evil way of standing. He's great, is Garcia. He just has a mild problem with his accent. He's aiming for Spanish, I'm fairly sure. Name like Garcia, title like Superintendente - it does all point to Spain, more or less. Not so much Transylvania, which is where the accent ends up. It's a glory, it really is. Rarely has a man made so great a meal of his dialogue as dear Superintendente Garcia. He sounds like Dracula on magic mushrooms. Every line is a whole new exciting experience. We meet Garcia quite early on, when he tries to snatch Jim, Abed and Conchita, on the grounds that Vanderbrecken doesn't need them as much as he does; but he really comes into his own later on. Having struck out on their own, Jim and Conchita are set upon by Garcia's men, one of whom is shot dead by Conchita Of The Obvious Tragic Fate In Waiting. So begins a manhunt, which culminates in a fabulously chaste nearly sex scene in a hayloft. I have an article about it somewhere, in a scrapbook, cut from a newspaper back in the day. But I digress. Jim's captured, Conchita hotfoots it back to get the others, they mount an overenthusiastic rescue attempt, and Conchita gets shot. Oops. The gang escape just long enough for her to die picturesquely on a rock by a stream, before Garcia's crew turn up and net the whole gang. Not literally, I should add. So in episode seven, then, Jim is chased, shot at, roughed up, shot off his horse, thoroughly knocked about, forced to endure a menacing from The Accent, thrown into a cage, rattled all over the countryside, deprived of his girlfriend in a heavily signposted shooting incident, captured again and enslaved. And believe it or not, things only get worse in episode eight. No sooner is he busy about the business of slavery, when he gets mixed up in Garcia's embezzlement scheme, and is reunited with the annoying Isabella. She gets him released, but Garcia, anxious over what Jim might know about the embezzlement, conspires to get him back by having Isabella's uncle murdered, and then has the crime pinned on Jim. This is particularly hard on Isabella's uncle, given that she spent the first half of the series desperately trying to reach him. He's probably now wishing she hadn't bothered. Jim gets hauled off back to Garcia's mine, and thrown into a tiny, dangly cage to await a good hanging. Oh well. There's always episode nine. Maybe things will get better then, hey.

Pictures, then.


Superintendente Garcia. Hurrah!


The gang pose nicely for the camera.


Silver has at thee as the Spaniards attack Machado.


Jim and Conchita fail at being raunchy.


Alas, poor Conchita. A sad fate, if wholly expected.


Oops.


And again.


And again.


And again. Bloody hell, Jim...


Aw, dagnabbit. What did she have to come back for?!


With ill-fated uncle.


Ben nips off back to England to fetch the old crew of the Hispaniola.


A change of clothes. Important, as it's the first and only one since episode five.


Don Pedro, secretary to Isabella's uncle. Yes, he is the policeman with the lousy accent from 'Allo 'Allo.
Impressively, his accent in this is even worse.