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So, to the final three episodes of Baywatch. Sadly the writers still seem convinced that what I really want to see, in these dying days of the show, is more of Cort and Eddie sandwiched together into an irritating double act; but there's entertaining stuff as well. Or there sort of is. Admittedly some of it isn't exactly easy to get to.
We begin with an episode about water-skiing. It's also about Shauni trying to come to terms with Jill's death, which is a lot more entertaining than it sounds. The "Jill dies repeatedly by slo-mo shark attack" montage is brilliantly funny, although I'm sure that it wasn't really supposed to be. Lest we forget what the episode's really about, though, we're treated to several waterskiing montages as well, one of which is backed by When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going. This only adds to the general hilarity, as rarely has a song been less appropriate. There is nothing tough going on. Anywhere. There is a fabulous array of very eighties watersporting gear in evidence, but that's less 'tough', and more 'oh dear'. Never was so much neon pink and electric blue gathered together in one place in the name of neoprene fashion. And I seem to be straying from the point rather. Again. Back in the plot, Cort has been conning a woman for years, telling her that he's John T Cort III, property magnate and record producer, and a hundred other things besides. She asks him for a $10000 donation for the charity that she runs, and in an effort to maintain his cover, he borrows money from Mitch and Craig to buy a speedboat and enter a waterskiing contest. It transpires that the $10000 donation is for the rest home where his old uncle is being cared for, which is rather akin to being clobbered over the head, not just with the sad violin, but also with the bloke who's playing it. As the writers wave huge banners reading "See! Cort isn't as bad as you thought!", and the woman he's been lying to all these years smiles sweetly at him in understanding, I find myself disliking the man even more than before. And I really didn't think that was possible. It's not that he's a conman. It's that he's a charmless conman, backed by a gang of writers who desperately want us to love him no matter how stupid he's being.
Mind you, this plot does lead to some entertainment. To begin with there's Mitch and Craig, suddenly decked out in matching jackets. It's like a His & Hers speedboating ensemble. Even better is how, in the long distance shots, they're wearing bright orange lifejackets, but in the close ups they're not. Continuity errors are really rather sweet when they're carefully wrapped in bright orange, just to make sure that they stand out. :) In fact there seems to be something about waterskiing that kills off continuity entirely, because halfway through the episode, Mitch, Craig and Cort begin reminiscing about their 'fraternity pranks'. Given that it's already been established that Craig went to college in New York, whilst Mitch stayed behind in Malibu (and nicked his girlfriend), how does that work? New York to Malibu is a hell of a long commute just to go to a fraternity get-together. It's not just the continuity that's off, either. When Cort falls off his skis at one point, Mitch and Craig, desperately trying to spot their injured comrade, stare heavenward in an effort to find him. I don't know about you, but I always find up to be a very useful direction to look in whenever I've dropped something. Gravity is just so passé.
The second episode is even funnier. It's a fairly basic story. Mitch, Craig and Garner go camping together, and soon after arriving, Mitch decides to set out on a handgliding expedition. Since one catastrophe on its own would be boring, he manages to have a whole series of them one after another, ending up with various broken limbs, a rattlesnake bite, and goodness only knows what else. It's as though, having been told that the show had been axed, the writers decided to use up their reserve script ideas all at once. Dashing to the rescue, Craig finds Mitch trapped in a canyon, and decides that the best way to help is to crash too. He's a team player, is Craig. Meanwhile, having realised that something has gone wrong, Garner also takes to the skies, and manages to raise the alarm by demolishing a lifeguard station and almost beheading Shauni, which is certainly a lot more interesting than just shouting "Help!". A rescue party headed by Eddie and Shauni then dashes to Mitch's aid, which will no doubt reassure him no end. After all, why make use of people who are trained for inland rescue, when you can send in two inexperienced lifeguards instead?
The third episode is the obligatory earthquake one. Following the big earthquake of 1989, just about every TV show that was in production at the time did an earthquake episode, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that Baywatch had a go as well. Being Baywatch, though, they're incapable of doing it sensibly. Whilst Gina battles with a hideous sculpture that she's for some reason pretending to be trapped beneath, and Mitch takes to the skies to see the extent of the damage, Craig and Cort, who were scuba diving, discover a hydrogen suphide leak caused by the quake. Unable to escape it, as starting their boat's engines might cause an explosion, they decide to track it to its lair - swimming underwater down narrow rocky passages being such a good idea when there have already been two tremors close together. In the process of hunting down the hydrogen sulphide, they get caught in a third quake, and wind up trapped in a cave filled with petroleum gas. One poisonous substance is never enough, is it. You always find yourself wanting another. Catching on to the situation in the nick of time - although how he figured out that Craig and Cort were in an underwater cave, I have no idea. Either that bit of the episode got cut for timing reasons, or he just has an incredible sense of smell - Mitch saves the day by blowing stuff up. Do all rescue helicopters carry explosives? That's awesome if they do, although it must make crashing an even worse idea than usual. Somehow managing not to blow up Cort and Craig, despite the vast amounts of flammable gases that they've been trapped in the middle of all episode, Mitch whoops and cheers. And why not? After all, it's always good to blow stuff up.
Mitch and Craig model their rather fetching matching jackets.
"I can't see him!"
No, really?! He's a human being, boys. Not a novelty helium balloon.
Yikes. I think I preferred the matching jackets.
Cort likes the matching jackets too.
However Mitch and Craig clearly don't want to share.
Handgliding!Mitch, enjoying a brief moment of relaxation prior to hitting Disaster Central.
Eagle!
Garner demonstrates his own version of handgliding, as he likes the real thing about as much as he likes swimming.
Mitch crashes his handglider into a tree.
Then falls out of the tree, and breaks his leg.
Then, having nicely splinted it, and fixed himself a crutch out of pieces of handglider...
... he trips over and falls down a slope.
Snake!
Then he falls down a cliff. Well, these things happen to all of us at one time or another.
But never fear! Craig is ready to help, assisted by a strangely lovelorn-looking Garner.
Setting off, Craig soon finds Mitch trapped in a canyon. He then faces a choice. Either he can fly for help, or he can crash too, and hope that this proves useful.
Not a very difficult choice.
Remarkably, instead of laughing at Mitch's ridiculous catalogue of injuries, Craig gives him first aid. He's a better friend than I am, that's for sure.
Mitch is strangely unmoved by Craig's enthusiastic rescue attempt. He even thinks that the crash-landing was a bad idea. Miserable sod.
Garner really doesn't like handgliding...
I think these boys may be carrying the team spirit thing a little too far.
Thunderbird 4 springs into action to save the day.
Along with its bizarrely sexist crew. Do real female lifeguards always get left behind, or is it just the TV ones who never get to have any fun?!
Whale!
Gina, and her horrendously eighties bedspread, shelter from the earthquake.
You know, I'm pretty sure that hiding under a pillow isn't included in the earthquake drill.
Fishy!
Gina gets 'trapped' by falling debris. I'm sorry, but no she doesn't. It's blatantly obvious that she could get out from there any time she wants, especially since in the next scene she's managed to roll over onto her back.
Still, it gave Hobie something to do, for about the first time since episode five. So that's nice.
Obligatory pregnant woman.
Swimming through narrow underwater tunnels is also not covered by the earthquake drill. Just in case you were wondering.
Cort and Craig are trapped in an underwater cave, a script development that surely nobody could have predicted.
Imagine being trapped with Cort. That has to be a worse fate even than the poison gas.
Inside Cort and Craig's cave, the explosion is rather disappointing.
Outside, however, the entire sea suddenly turns into a piece of stock footage.
That happens, you know. It's a known side effect of earthquakes.
Boom!
Then the episode ends, not with Craig and Gina being reunited, or Mitch and Hobie being reunited, or anything else remotely nice. Instead it ends with Eddie randomly proposing to Shauni on the beach. It makes for rather an unsatisfying and messy conclusion, like there's a bit of the episode missing. Nonetheless, such faults aside (and there are many), I wouldn't have been at all saddened by a second series. Not the one that was made, obviously, with its non-existent plots, and increasingly top-heavy women, but a proper one, with explosions. And Parker Stevenson. Naturally.
So bye bye Baywatch. You were silly, but you were fun, and I suppose there are worse epitaphs than that. I still think that David Hasselhoff in nothing but a pair of shorts was a bad idea, though. Just so we're clear.
We begin with an episode about water-skiing. It's also about Shauni trying to come to terms with Jill's death, which is a lot more entertaining than it sounds. The "Jill dies repeatedly by slo-mo shark attack" montage is brilliantly funny, although I'm sure that it wasn't really supposed to be. Lest we forget what the episode's really about, though, we're treated to several waterskiing montages as well, one of which is backed by When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going. This only adds to the general hilarity, as rarely has a song been less appropriate. There is nothing tough going on. Anywhere. There is a fabulous array of very eighties watersporting gear in evidence, but that's less 'tough', and more 'oh dear'. Never was so much neon pink and electric blue gathered together in one place in the name of neoprene fashion. And I seem to be straying from the point rather. Again. Back in the plot, Cort has been conning a woman for years, telling her that he's John T Cort III, property magnate and record producer, and a hundred other things besides. She asks him for a $10000 donation for the charity that she runs, and in an effort to maintain his cover, he borrows money from Mitch and Craig to buy a speedboat and enter a waterskiing contest. It transpires that the $10000 donation is for the rest home where his old uncle is being cared for, which is rather akin to being clobbered over the head, not just with the sad violin, but also with the bloke who's playing it. As the writers wave huge banners reading "See! Cort isn't as bad as you thought!", and the woman he's been lying to all these years smiles sweetly at him in understanding, I find myself disliking the man even more than before. And I really didn't think that was possible. It's not that he's a conman. It's that he's a charmless conman, backed by a gang of writers who desperately want us to love him no matter how stupid he's being.
Mind you, this plot does lead to some entertainment. To begin with there's Mitch and Craig, suddenly decked out in matching jackets. It's like a His & Hers speedboating ensemble. Even better is how, in the long distance shots, they're wearing bright orange lifejackets, but in the close ups they're not. Continuity errors are really rather sweet when they're carefully wrapped in bright orange, just to make sure that they stand out. :) In fact there seems to be something about waterskiing that kills off continuity entirely, because halfway through the episode, Mitch, Craig and Cort begin reminiscing about their 'fraternity pranks'. Given that it's already been established that Craig went to college in New York, whilst Mitch stayed behind in Malibu (and nicked his girlfriend), how does that work? New York to Malibu is a hell of a long commute just to go to a fraternity get-together. It's not just the continuity that's off, either. When Cort falls off his skis at one point, Mitch and Craig, desperately trying to spot their injured comrade, stare heavenward in an effort to find him. I don't know about you, but I always find up to be a very useful direction to look in whenever I've dropped something. Gravity is just so passé.
The second episode is even funnier. It's a fairly basic story. Mitch, Craig and Garner go camping together, and soon after arriving, Mitch decides to set out on a handgliding expedition. Since one catastrophe on its own would be boring, he manages to have a whole series of them one after another, ending up with various broken limbs, a rattlesnake bite, and goodness only knows what else. It's as though, having been told that the show had been axed, the writers decided to use up their reserve script ideas all at once. Dashing to the rescue, Craig finds Mitch trapped in a canyon, and decides that the best way to help is to crash too. He's a team player, is Craig. Meanwhile, having realised that something has gone wrong, Garner also takes to the skies, and manages to raise the alarm by demolishing a lifeguard station and almost beheading Shauni, which is certainly a lot more interesting than just shouting "Help!". A rescue party headed by Eddie and Shauni then dashes to Mitch's aid, which will no doubt reassure him no end. After all, why make use of people who are trained for inland rescue, when you can send in two inexperienced lifeguards instead?
The third episode is the obligatory earthquake one. Following the big earthquake of 1989, just about every TV show that was in production at the time did an earthquake episode, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that Baywatch had a go as well. Being Baywatch, though, they're incapable of doing it sensibly. Whilst Gina battles with a hideous sculpture that she's for some reason pretending to be trapped beneath, and Mitch takes to the skies to see the extent of the damage, Craig and Cort, who were scuba diving, discover a hydrogen suphide leak caused by the quake. Unable to escape it, as starting their boat's engines might cause an explosion, they decide to track it to its lair - swimming underwater down narrow rocky passages being such a good idea when there have already been two tremors close together. In the process of hunting down the hydrogen sulphide, they get caught in a third quake, and wind up trapped in a cave filled with petroleum gas. One poisonous substance is never enough, is it. You always find yourself wanting another. Catching on to the situation in the nick of time - although how he figured out that Craig and Cort were in an underwater cave, I have no idea. Either that bit of the episode got cut for timing reasons, or he just has an incredible sense of smell - Mitch saves the day by blowing stuff up. Do all rescue helicopters carry explosives? That's awesome if they do, although it must make crashing an even worse idea than usual. Somehow managing not to blow up Cort and Craig, despite the vast amounts of flammable gases that they've been trapped in the middle of all episode, Mitch whoops and cheers. And why not? After all, it's always good to blow stuff up.
Mitch and Craig model their rather fetching matching jackets.
"I can't see him!"
No, really?! He's a human being, boys. Not a novelty helium balloon.
Yikes. I think I preferred the matching jackets.
Cort likes the matching jackets too.
However Mitch and Craig clearly don't want to share.
Handgliding!Mitch, enjoying a brief moment of relaxation prior to hitting Disaster Central.
Eagle!
Garner demonstrates his own version of handgliding, as he likes the real thing about as much as he likes swimming.
Mitch crashes his handglider into a tree.
Then falls out of the tree, and breaks his leg.
Then, having nicely splinted it, and fixed himself a crutch out of pieces of handglider...
... he trips over and falls down a slope.
Snake!
Then he falls down a cliff. Well, these things happen to all of us at one time or another.
But never fear! Craig is ready to help, assisted by a strangely lovelorn-looking Garner.
Setting off, Craig soon finds Mitch trapped in a canyon. He then faces a choice. Either he can fly for help, or he can crash too, and hope that this proves useful.
Not a very difficult choice.
Remarkably, instead of laughing at Mitch's ridiculous catalogue of injuries, Craig gives him first aid. He's a better friend than I am, that's for sure.
Mitch is strangely unmoved by Craig's enthusiastic rescue attempt. He even thinks that the crash-landing was a bad idea. Miserable sod.
Garner really doesn't like handgliding...
I think these boys may be carrying the team spirit thing a little too far.
Thunderbird 4 springs into action to save the day.
Along with its bizarrely sexist crew. Do real female lifeguards always get left behind, or is it just the TV ones who never get to have any fun?!
Whale!
Gina, and her horrendously eighties bedspread, shelter from the earthquake.
You know, I'm pretty sure that hiding under a pillow isn't included in the earthquake drill.
Fishy!
Gina gets 'trapped' by falling debris. I'm sorry, but no she doesn't. It's blatantly obvious that she could get out from there any time she wants, especially since in the next scene she's managed to roll over onto her back.
Still, it gave Hobie something to do, for about the first time since episode five. So that's nice.
Obligatory pregnant woman.
Swimming through narrow underwater tunnels is also not covered by the earthquake drill. Just in case you were wondering.
Cort and Craig are trapped in an underwater cave, a script development that surely nobody could have predicted.
Imagine being trapped with Cort. That has to be a worse fate even than the poison gas.
Inside Cort and Craig's cave, the explosion is rather disappointing.
Outside, however, the entire sea suddenly turns into a piece of stock footage.
That happens, you know. It's a known side effect of earthquakes.
Boom!
Then the episode ends, not with Craig and Gina being reunited, or Mitch and Hobie being reunited, or anything else remotely nice. Instead it ends with Eddie randomly proposing to Shauni on the beach. It makes for rather an unsatisfying and messy conclusion, like there's a bit of the episode missing. Nonetheless, such faults aside (and there are many), I wouldn't have been at all saddened by a second series. Not the one that was made, obviously, with its non-existent plots, and increasingly top-heavy women, but a proper one, with explosions. And Parker Stevenson. Naturally.
So bye bye Baywatch. You were silly, but you were fun, and I suppose there are worse epitaphs than that. I still think that David Hasselhoff in nothing but a pair of shorts was a bad idea, though. Just so we're clear.
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