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So, only a year late...
About a year ago (in December 2009), I admitted to having bought season one of Baywatch, and said that I would probably be watching it in the new year. And here we are in the new year. Not the intended one, granted, but a new year nonetheless. Last year was complicated and confusing, and mostly involved watching cowboys and Dean Martin. And, wherever possible, Dean Martin being a cowboy. But now here we go with Baywatch, season one. The only watchable season.
So. It's 1989, and you want to make a new TV show. Cops have been done. Doctors have been done. Firemen and spacemen and more cops and more doctors and superheroes and more cops and more doctors. All done. "I know!" says somebody. "Let's do lifeguards! That way we can have sun and sea and sand and surf, and all the sorts of things that people like, and we can also have boat chases and stuff. And sharks!" This is the sort of logic that I can understand. What I can't quite fathom is that somebody then thought it was a good idea to cast David Hasselhoff, and get him to wear nothing but a pair of shorts. Week after week after week. This is scary thinking. This is the sort of thinking that leads to Jean Claude Van Damme movies.
But back to Baywatch. I wanted at this point to post the opening titles, but sadly there were music rights issues. When they put out the DVDs, they weren't allowed to use the original title song, so they switched it for something dreadful. This also means that all copies of the original song have been removed from YouTube. It is still on DailyMotion, but only with the opening credits of the pilot, which means that the pictures are wrong. So you have to listen to the theme tune here, whilst watching the pictures here. Which can get a little confusing. So I haven't posted the opening titles. Instead I shall babble on about something else, such as the Baywatch Beginners' Guide, or Your Guide To Who Is Who And What Is What Down On The Beach.
There are several main characters on Baywatch, although for the most part you need only concern yourself with a few of them. There's Mitch, who is boss of nearly everybody, and spends his time agonising over the fact that he has to wear shoes now, as he works in an office. Except when he doesn't, and goes running around outside in nothing but a pair of shorts, just to give everybody nightmares. Then there's his best friend Craig (who's played by Parker Stevenson, so is obviously the best thing in it), who's a lawyer, except when he's being a lifeguard, which is most of the time as he prefers it. Craig has a wife called Gina, who's a little bit awesome, but rarely gets to do a lot. She does get to fight a psycho lifeguard groupie in the pilot episode though. Also there's Captain Thorpe, who's the boss of everybody, but they don't care because they only listen to Mitch. He was in Jack Holborn, which earns him coolness points, and frankly he needs them. He spends the entire series looking bored, and telling Mitch to wear shoes. Then there's Hobie, Mitch's improbably named son, who apparently changed heads in season two. Season two doesn't count though, as it was rubbish. There's also Eddie, who used to be a hardcore streetfighter from the hood (and if you believe that, you'll believe anything), but is now reformed; Shauni, who does little but sunbathe in an ill-fitting swimming costume; and Jill, who is cool, professional, and really pretty awesome. So guess who gets eaten by a shark halfway though season one? Yeah. Would it have killed them to get Shauni eaten instead? Oh, and there's also Cort, an old friend of Mitch's and Craig's, who turns up randomly halfway through the season, leading to adventures in Mexico with exploding jeeps. But I haven't got to those episodes yet.
Oh, and there's a policeman whose name I can never remember, but who rides about on a quad bike in the opening credits, and hates the sea. And an Australian bloke who's a lifeguard for the club down the beach, and is a total poser. He doesn't do a lot most of the time, though.
Visual aids, then.
Mitch. In clothes, because otherwise would just be too cruel to everybody.
Craig.
Craig's wife Gina.
Hobie.
Captain Thorpe.
Eddie.
Shauni.
Jill. Prior to being eaten.
The policeman whose name I can't remember.
The Australian lifeguard.
Baywatch is an odd fish. It's all about children being trapped down storm drains, and people nearly drowning, but at the same time they throw in completely non-water related plots, like Eddie's dangerous hood friend coming to find him, and him being all moody over being reminded that he used to be the world's least convincing thug. Which would probably work as a good character-building episode, if Eddie was in the least bit believable as a former tough guy, or if I cared about him in the slightest. Then there's also the on-going saga of Mitch's divorce. His wife wants custody of Hobie, so she can take him away to live far from the beach, and make him go to a school with no sea view, and where he'll have to wear shoes all day (shoes are a synonym for evil in the Baywatchverse). Mitch would rather that Hobie stay on the beach, where he can get randomly kidnapped by smugglers, and try to get dates with hot lifeguards. Meanwhile, Craig and Jill are busy being awesome, and are saving all of the drowning people, but with practically nobody noticing. Except for the psycho lifeguard groupie in the pilot.
So far I've watched the first handful of episodes, in which there is much agonising over divorces and lawyering and shoes. And troubled pasts, jet-skis and shoes. My conclusions at this point are basically that Baywatch can be a lot of fun, but mostly when it doesn't involve too much of Eddie brooding, of Mitch being without a shirt on, or of Shauni doing pretty much anything. Sadly this does stop most of the episodes from fulfilling their true potential.
It's still fun, though. I think I would recommend season one for brainless evening viewing, provided that the sight of David Hasselhoff running about shirtless is not too terrifying a prospect. I have no wish to cause anybody heart failure.
And did I mention that Parker Stevenson's in it?
About a year ago (in December 2009), I admitted to having bought season one of Baywatch, and said that I would probably be watching it in the new year. And here we are in the new year. Not the intended one, granted, but a new year nonetheless. Last year was complicated and confusing, and mostly involved watching cowboys and Dean Martin. And, wherever possible, Dean Martin being a cowboy. But now here we go with Baywatch, season one. The only watchable season.
So. It's 1989, and you want to make a new TV show. Cops have been done. Doctors have been done. Firemen and spacemen and more cops and more doctors and superheroes and more cops and more doctors. All done. "I know!" says somebody. "Let's do lifeguards! That way we can have sun and sea and sand and surf, and all the sorts of things that people like, and we can also have boat chases and stuff. And sharks!" This is the sort of logic that I can understand. What I can't quite fathom is that somebody then thought it was a good idea to cast David Hasselhoff, and get him to wear nothing but a pair of shorts. Week after week after week. This is scary thinking. This is the sort of thinking that leads to Jean Claude Van Damme movies.
But back to Baywatch. I wanted at this point to post the opening titles, but sadly there were music rights issues. When they put out the DVDs, they weren't allowed to use the original title song, so they switched it for something dreadful. This also means that all copies of the original song have been removed from YouTube. It is still on DailyMotion, but only with the opening credits of the pilot, which means that the pictures are wrong. So you have to listen to the theme tune here, whilst watching the pictures here. Which can get a little confusing. So I haven't posted the opening titles. Instead I shall babble on about something else, such as the Baywatch Beginners' Guide, or Your Guide To Who Is Who And What Is What Down On The Beach.
There are several main characters on Baywatch, although for the most part you need only concern yourself with a few of them. There's Mitch, who is boss of nearly everybody, and spends his time agonising over the fact that he has to wear shoes now, as he works in an office. Except when he doesn't, and goes running around outside in nothing but a pair of shorts, just to give everybody nightmares. Then there's his best friend Craig (who's played by Parker Stevenson, so is obviously the best thing in it), who's a lawyer, except when he's being a lifeguard, which is most of the time as he prefers it. Craig has a wife called Gina, who's a little bit awesome, but rarely gets to do a lot. She does get to fight a psycho lifeguard groupie in the pilot episode though. Also there's Captain Thorpe, who's the boss of everybody, but they don't care because they only listen to Mitch. He was in Jack Holborn, which earns him coolness points, and frankly he needs them. He spends the entire series looking bored, and telling Mitch to wear shoes. Then there's Hobie, Mitch's improbably named son, who apparently changed heads in season two. Season two doesn't count though, as it was rubbish. There's also Eddie, who used to be a hardcore streetfighter from the hood (and if you believe that, you'll believe anything), but is now reformed; Shauni, who does little but sunbathe in an ill-fitting swimming costume; and Jill, who is cool, professional, and really pretty awesome. So guess who gets eaten by a shark halfway though season one? Yeah. Would it have killed them to get Shauni eaten instead? Oh, and there's also Cort, an old friend of Mitch's and Craig's, who turns up randomly halfway through the season, leading to adventures in Mexico with exploding jeeps. But I haven't got to those episodes yet.
Oh, and there's a policeman whose name I can never remember, but who rides about on a quad bike in the opening credits, and hates the sea. And an Australian bloke who's a lifeguard for the club down the beach, and is a total poser. He doesn't do a lot most of the time, though.
Visual aids, then.
Mitch. In clothes, because otherwise would just be too cruel to everybody.
Craig.
Craig's wife Gina.
Hobie.
Captain Thorpe.
Eddie.
Shauni.
Jill. Prior to being eaten.
The policeman whose name I can't remember.
The Australian lifeguard.
Baywatch is an odd fish. It's all about children being trapped down storm drains, and people nearly drowning, but at the same time they throw in completely non-water related plots, like Eddie's dangerous hood friend coming to find him, and him being all moody over being reminded that he used to be the world's least convincing thug. Which would probably work as a good character-building episode, if Eddie was in the least bit believable as a former tough guy, or if I cared about him in the slightest. Then there's also the on-going saga of Mitch's divorce. His wife wants custody of Hobie, so she can take him away to live far from the beach, and make him go to a school with no sea view, and where he'll have to wear shoes all day (shoes are a synonym for evil in the Baywatchverse). Mitch would rather that Hobie stay on the beach, where he can get randomly kidnapped by smugglers, and try to get dates with hot lifeguards. Meanwhile, Craig and Jill are busy being awesome, and are saving all of the drowning people, but with practically nobody noticing. Except for the psycho lifeguard groupie in the pilot.
So far I've watched the first handful of episodes, in which there is much agonising over divorces and lawyering and shoes. And troubled pasts, jet-skis and shoes. My conclusions at this point are basically that Baywatch can be a lot of fun, but mostly when it doesn't involve too much of Eddie brooding, of Mitch being without a shirt on, or of Shauni doing pretty much anything. Sadly this does stop most of the episodes from fulfilling their true potential.
It's still fun, though. I think I would recommend season one for brainless evening viewing, provided that the sight of David Hasselhoff running about shirtless is not too terrifying a prospect. I have no wish to cause anybody heart failure.
And did I mention that Parker Stevenson's in it?
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