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Episode 1x07: "The Iron Man"
Some men break into a villa, and brutally murder a mannequin. It turns out that it's a practice run for an assassination attempt on a deposed dictator, currently living in exile somewhere imprecise. Word of the attempt has got out, however, and Nemesis have been alerted. If the dictator is killed, his country could descend into anarchy, so he must be protected. It's a dangerous job. More to the point, it's a comedy episode. Nonetheless, somebody's got to do it. Better send up the Champion bat signal.
The Champions, however, are testing out another of their super powers, this time in a casino. Sharron has realised that, using her amazing mathematical and observational abilities, she can correctly figure out the logical outcome of each spin of the roulette wheel, based on pressure applied. She's winning well, until there's a switch around with the staff. Now she has to start her calculations all over again. Before she can do so, she's hauled away from her would-be life of riches by Craig, who has just taken a call from Tremayne detailing their latest mission. Back to the Bat Cave they go, for a quick briefing. They have to act as undercover bodyguards to the legendary Iron Man, former dictator of Somewhere Made Up And Televisiony, who mustn't know that they're really there to guard him. Sharron will pose as his secretary, Richard as his cook, whilst Craig assumes a brilliant disguise. To hide the fact that he's really a bodyguard... he'll be pretending to be a bodyguard. Okay. Off they go to somewhere vaguely European to begin their latest assignment.
The gang play the roulette wheel, as Sharron enjoys herself putting her new skills to dubious use.
Who sleeps like that in a car?! Richard and Sharron attempt to learn new skills for their exciting undercover assignment, whilst Craig flaunts the fact that he doesn't have to.
The Iron Man himself, enjoying some clay pigeon shooting. The shooting is used throughout the episode, as an indication of the irritability of a character. This is the first major alert that this isn't an especially serious episode.
The Champions ponder security issues. Richard's expression of faint distress suggests that he's just noticed what Sharron is wearing.
Checking out the kitchen, his new empire, Richard meets his certifiable assistant.
And Craig begins his new job as he means to go on - by continually arresting the maid as she and 'El Caudillo' attempt to carry on an illicit affair.
Their latest assignment is an awkward one, because the man they've been assigned to protect is vain and difficult. He hates to be bested at anything, which is a complicated thing to avoid when you're the best at everything. Wishing to test his new bodyguard, he challenges Craig to a fencing match, which Craig wins easily without blinking an eye. Realising his mistake, he speedily hands his own sword to the disarmed El Caudillo, and then feigns bafflement at how he was beaten so easily. El Caudillo appears fooled, if confused, but is soon off killing poor, innocent clay pigeons again, so presumably he realised something of what happened. Craig is definitely not a success.
Meanwhile, the assassins take up position near the villa, planning to carry out their mission with a specially built long-range rifle. Probably wishing that he was amongst them right now is Richard, who has been detailed to cook a splendid meal in order to prove his worth as a chef. This involves extreme brutality towards a cucumber, and various tussles with the insane kitchen assistant, whilst Sharron tries out her secretarial skills next door. El Caudillo is revealed to be decidedly lecherous, which is somewhat uncomfortably played for laughs. Sharron, however, is not for the taking. Sadly she doesn't test out her super strength, but instead relies on spectacular dedication to secretarying. El Caudillo goes back to the firing range, and Sharron is, like Craig before her, definitely not a success. She is very good at taking dictation, though.
Swords!
Swords are good. If I had my way, everybody would have swords.
And possibly waistcoats.
El Caudillo apparently does not share my love of swords. Philistine.
Poor clay pigeon. :(
An evil assassin.
Another evil assassin, in a potentially evil shirt. This assassin is played by Steven Berkoff, which makes him even more evil still.
Richard is wilfully cruel to cooking ingredients.
Sharron and the world's worst shirt attempt to take dictation, whilst avoiding the amorous advances of a dictator who isn't used to being turned down. Sharron deals with him very classily, to be fair to her. I'd have advised that she go for the swords long ago, but instead she just resorts to being firm. Sadly it's the clay pigeons that are ultimately going to suffer.
Whilst all of this is going on, Richard has finished his cooking extravaganza, ready for inspection. Suitably impressed by his culinary knowledge - the result of some super speedy reading, and a super photographic memory - El Caudillo is less interested in his food, and throws the dish away. He prefers to eat simply, apparently. This time it's Richard out being mean to the clay pigeons. Richard may be a success, but he's definitely not happy.
The first day, then, has not been great. The first night proves even less brilliant. Awoken, due to super hearing, by the alarms being switched off, Craig creeps out of his room and discovers that the guard outside El Caudillo's bedroom has been drugged. He quickly summons Richard via telepathy. Telepathy! Ha! Now why did you keep failing to use that during the last episode?! There's a lovely moment when Richard pretends that he can't 'hear' Craig, because he wants to stay sleeping, but he eventually agrees to go and join him for some midnight sneaking about the place. Together they heroically apprehend the maid, who is again trying to indulge in a secret tryst with El Caudillo. Whoops. Back to the clay pigeons we go. (Although not until morning).
Richard is clearly as impressed as I am by the ubiquity of Cornish Blue chinaware. That stuff really did get everywhere back in the sixties.
I have no idea what this is that he's cooked, and I don't want to. It looks ghastly.
El Caudillo deposits the day's work into the bin. Richard is Not Happy.
Neither are the clay pigeons. In an act of even greater cruelty than usual, this one is tethered. Isn't there some kind of rule about hunting captive clay pigeons? Can't they at least be given a chance to get away?
It's too late for this one, though. :(
Meanie.
Richard and Craig sneak about the house in the middle of the night. Why don't they invite Sharron to join in their secret night-time shenanigans? Inquiring minds want to know.
The maid does not appreciate being manhandled by two under-clad men. Possibly due to her obvious religious convictions?
The assassins have now taken delivery of a special rifle with a range of up to three miles. They attempt to use it, but Sharron senses the danger just in time, and pushes El Caudillo out of harm's way. Now that the bad guys have made their move, it's time to step up security. Guessing that another attempt will be made soon, and this time by more direct means, the Champions prepare to greet some uninvited guests as soon as it's dark. The local security team are entertainingly useless, and nobody seems to have noticed that El Caudillo's closest advisor is a traitor (actually, I don't think he's been unmasked even by the end of the episode, which doesn't bode well for the future). Nonetheless, a stand must be made, and the Champions do at least have each other to depend upon. As a trio of assassins break into the villa, Craig uses a combination of super hearing, super speed and super strength to knock out two of them in the garden, whilst Steven Berkoff sneaks off upstairs to kill El Caudillo. Richard and Sharron are more than ready for him, however. Apparently this means that the game is over, although presumably it's perfectly possible for more assassins to be sent? Nonetheless, El Caudillo is satisfied, and decides to decorate his saviours. Amused by this, they wonder what Tremayne will think of the idea.
Steven Berkoff and his evil shirt prepare to assassinate El Caudillo, only to be foiled by Sharron and her super senses.
Faced with the task of getting the security team in shape, Craig tries to give them a pep talk. For some reason I love this scene. The bit where he wakes up a sleeping guard, only to bashed in the face by the poor fellow's hat, is strangely wonderful.
Night falls, and the Champions await the expected assault.
All at various vantage points around the villa.
Do they really all need to check their watches, though? Surely one can check the time, and then tell all the others?!
Evil Steven Berkoff is evil. Less successfully than usual.
Success! And gratitude from El Caudillo. But don't look at the camera, it's disconcerting.
Thank you.
And what would Tremayne's reaction to news of their decoration be?
More cruelty to tethered clay pigeons, apparently.
Let it fly free, Tremayne. It's only fair.
Some men break into a villa, and brutally murder a mannequin. It turns out that it's a practice run for an assassination attempt on a deposed dictator, currently living in exile somewhere imprecise. Word of the attempt has got out, however, and Nemesis have been alerted. If the dictator is killed, his country could descend into anarchy, so he must be protected. It's a dangerous job. More to the point, it's a comedy episode. Nonetheless, somebody's got to do it. Better send up the Champion bat signal.
The Champions, however, are testing out another of their super powers, this time in a casino. Sharron has realised that, using her amazing mathematical and observational abilities, she can correctly figure out the logical outcome of each spin of the roulette wheel, based on pressure applied. She's winning well, until there's a switch around with the staff. Now she has to start her calculations all over again. Before she can do so, she's hauled away from her would-be life of riches by Craig, who has just taken a call from Tremayne detailing their latest mission. Back to the Bat Cave they go, for a quick briefing. They have to act as undercover bodyguards to the legendary Iron Man, former dictator of Somewhere Made Up And Televisiony, who mustn't know that they're really there to guard him. Sharron will pose as his secretary, Richard as his cook, whilst Craig assumes a brilliant disguise. To hide the fact that he's really a bodyguard... he'll be pretending to be a bodyguard. Okay. Off they go to somewhere vaguely European to begin their latest assignment.
The gang play the roulette wheel, as Sharron enjoys herself putting her new skills to dubious use.
Who sleeps like that in a car?! Richard and Sharron attempt to learn new skills for their exciting undercover assignment, whilst Craig flaunts the fact that he doesn't have to.
The Iron Man himself, enjoying some clay pigeon shooting. The shooting is used throughout the episode, as an indication of the irritability of a character. This is the first major alert that this isn't an especially serious episode.
The Champions ponder security issues. Richard's expression of faint distress suggests that he's just noticed what Sharron is wearing.
Checking out the kitchen, his new empire, Richard meets his certifiable assistant.
And Craig begins his new job as he means to go on - by continually arresting the maid as she and 'El Caudillo' attempt to carry on an illicit affair.
Their latest assignment is an awkward one, because the man they've been assigned to protect is vain and difficult. He hates to be bested at anything, which is a complicated thing to avoid when you're the best at everything. Wishing to test his new bodyguard, he challenges Craig to a fencing match, which Craig wins easily without blinking an eye. Realising his mistake, he speedily hands his own sword to the disarmed El Caudillo, and then feigns bafflement at how he was beaten so easily. El Caudillo appears fooled, if confused, but is soon off killing poor, innocent clay pigeons again, so presumably he realised something of what happened. Craig is definitely not a success.
Meanwhile, the assassins take up position near the villa, planning to carry out their mission with a specially built long-range rifle. Probably wishing that he was amongst them right now is Richard, who has been detailed to cook a splendid meal in order to prove his worth as a chef. This involves extreme brutality towards a cucumber, and various tussles with the insane kitchen assistant, whilst Sharron tries out her secretarial skills next door. El Caudillo is revealed to be decidedly lecherous, which is somewhat uncomfortably played for laughs. Sharron, however, is not for the taking. Sadly she doesn't test out her super strength, but instead relies on spectacular dedication to secretarying. El Caudillo goes back to the firing range, and Sharron is, like Craig before her, definitely not a success. She is very good at taking dictation, though.
Swords!
Swords are good. If I had my way, everybody would have swords.
And possibly waistcoats.
El Caudillo apparently does not share my love of swords. Philistine.
Poor clay pigeon. :(
An evil assassin.
Another evil assassin, in a potentially evil shirt. This assassin is played by Steven Berkoff, which makes him even more evil still.
Richard is wilfully cruel to cooking ingredients.
Sharron and the world's worst shirt attempt to take dictation, whilst avoiding the amorous advances of a dictator who isn't used to being turned down. Sharron deals with him very classily, to be fair to her. I'd have advised that she go for the swords long ago, but instead she just resorts to being firm. Sadly it's the clay pigeons that are ultimately going to suffer.
Whilst all of this is going on, Richard has finished his cooking extravaganza, ready for inspection. Suitably impressed by his culinary knowledge - the result of some super speedy reading, and a super photographic memory - El Caudillo is less interested in his food, and throws the dish away. He prefers to eat simply, apparently. This time it's Richard out being mean to the clay pigeons. Richard may be a success, but he's definitely not happy.
The first day, then, has not been great. The first night proves even less brilliant. Awoken, due to super hearing, by the alarms being switched off, Craig creeps out of his room and discovers that the guard outside El Caudillo's bedroom has been drugged. He quickly summons Richard via telepathy. Telepathy! Ha! Now why did you keep failing to use that during the last episode?! There's a lovely moment when Richard pretends that he can't 'hear' Craig, because he wants to stay sleeping, but he eventually agrees to go and join him for some midnight sneaking about the place. Together they heroically apprehend the maid, who is again trying to indulge in a secret tryst with El Caudillo. Whoops. Back to the clay pigeons we go. (Although not until morning).
Richard is clearly as impressed as I am by the ubiquity of Cornish Blue chinaware. That stuff really did get everywhere back in the sixties.
I have no idea what this is that he's cooked, and I don't want to. It looks ghastly.
El Caudillo deposits the day's work into the bin. Richard is Not Happy.
Neither are the clay pigeons. In an act of even greater cruelty than usual, this one is tethered. Isn't there some kind of rule about hunting captive clay pigeons? Can't they at least be given a chance to get away?
It's too late for this one, though. :(
Meanie.
Richard and Craig sneak about the house in the middle of the night. Why don't they invite Sharron to join in their secret night-time shenanigans? Inquiring minds want to know.
The maid does not appreciate being manhandled by two under-clad men. Possibly due to her obvious religious convictions?
The assassins have now taken delivery of a special rifle with a range of up to three miles. They attempt to use it, but Sharron senses the danger just in time, and pushes El Caudillo out of harm's way. Now that the bad guys have made their move, it's time to step up security. Guessing that another attempt will be made soon, and this time by more direct means, the Champions prepare to greet some uninvited guests as soon as it's dark. The local security team are entertainingly useless, and nobody seems to have noticed that El Caudillo's closest advisor is a traitor (actually, I don't think he's been unmasked even by the end of the episode, which doesn't bode well for the future). Nonetheless, a stand must be made, and the Champions do at least have each other to depend upon. As a trio of assassins break into the villa, Craig uses a combination of super hearing, super speed and super strength to knock out two of them in the garden, whilst Steven Berkoff sneaks off upstairs to kill El Caudillo. Richard and Sharron are more than ready for him, however. Apparently this means that the game is over, although presumably it's perfectly possible for more assassins to be sent? Nonetheless, El Caudillo is satisfied, and decides to decorate his saviours. Amused by this, they wonder what Tremayne will think of the idea.
Steven Berkoff and his evil shirt prepare to assassinate El Caudillo, only to be foiled by Sharron and her super senses.
Faced with the task of getting the security team in shape, Craig tries to give them a pep talk. For some reason I love this scene. The bit where he wakes up a sleeping guard, only to bashed in the face by the poor fellow's hat, is strangely wonderful.
Night falls, and the Champions await the expected assault.
All at various vantage points around the villa.
Do they really all need to check their watches, though? Surely one can check the time, and then tell all the others?!
Evil Steven Berkoff is evil. Less successfully than usual.
Success! And gratitude from El Caudillo. But don't look at the camera, it's disconcerting.
Thank you.
And what would Tremayne's reaction to news of their decoration be?
More cruelty to tethered clay pigeons, apparently.
Let it fly free, Tremayne. It's only fair.
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