Thunder In Paradise #9

[swordznsorcery]

So, onwards and upwards then, and episode twelve, "Identity Crisis", is probably both at once. Which is sort of fitting, I suppose. The dastardly Hammerhead, last seen escaping from Sea Quentin prison, is out for revenge. To this end, equipped with recordings of Spencer's voice, and one of those latex rubber masks that only work on television (see multiple episodes of Mission: Impossible), he steals a gigantic missile that the American military have chosen to keep on a little pier, guarded by half a dozen teenagers on work experience placements. This done, he conducts an eye-poppingly bonkers monologue to the mask, telling it exactly what he plans to do to Spencer, whilst several minions stand politely by, and try not to stare at the raving loony.

And so back to Paradise, where Spence, Bru and Jessica are settling down to one of their multitudinous domestic scenes, where once again Spence is playing father, and Bru is playing mother. This invariably means that the show is about to do something macho, in order to prevent stray viewers from thinking that they've tuned into something that isn't entirely heterosexual. Although you have to wonder at the thinking behind that. Do gay people never blow anything up? Anyway, as Spence and Bru play at being a seventies sitcom couple, the windows and doors suddenly smash open, and smoke grenades come sailing in. Upset at the loss of their missile, the entire American military has come to get it back. Loudly. They are led by a man in a suit, who is clearly evil. We know this firstly because of the suit, but mostly because he wallops Bru with his gun; and really, this is where I have to complain. It's Spence that they've come to arrest. Spence that they think stole the missile. So why is it Bru that every soldier present points his gun at? You're here for the big one with the Village People moustache, not the curly one in the inadvisable shirt. It's really not hard to tell them apart. They whisk Spence off to prison, anyway, where Evil Suit Man reveals that a ransom demand has been made. One hundred million, or the missile targets Florida. That's actually quite a big target, isn't it. They might have been more specific. I may not have entirely been paying attention. The demand is in Spencer's voice, due to the wonders of tape-editing magic. Consequently the military is ready to throw away the key to Spence's cell, but needless to say, Bru has other plans. Picking up his various bits of broken rib, he has hotfooted it to the docks, and stolen Thunder away from the military types there to impound her. Hooray! Off he dashes to the prison, where Spence is clearly Very Bored Indeed, as he's busy singing The Most Annoying Song In The World. Bru gets Thunder to shoot a grappling hook towards the sound of his voice, and happily it doesn't spike Spence right through the skull. That would rather have put a dampener on the whole heroic rescue thing. Cell wall grappling hooked, Thunder speeds off, taking a section of prison wall with it, and Spence grabs hold of it, using it as a sort of water ski. The guards look put out, but it's their own stupid fault. Why'd they put him in a cell with polystyrene walls if they didn't want him to escape? Architects are supposed to thinks of things like that.

Thanks to Bru and Thunder having more brains between them than the entire military, the boys find the missing missile in two seconds flat, and whilst Bru has some fun shooting things, Spence goes for a little underwater wrestling match with Hammerhead, before disarming the missile in his own inimitable way. As the countdown to launch nears zero, he merely utilises his sudden Incredible Hulk levels of strength to push the missile over, so that it... I don't know. Gets confused or something. It's clearly not a very good missile. Then, despite the fact that all of the bad guys appear to have escaped, apparently this means that Spence and Bru can go home, and won't be wanted anymore. They have no evidence to back up their story, and there's the small matter of a prison break to deal with. But hey, it's the end of the episode, so we'll just sweep all that under the carpet. I'm prepared to forgive the daft ending anyway, as the moment when the boys disintegrate a graphite boat with a special 'disintegrate-a-graphite-boat' button is pure joy. I don't know why. It just is.

Oh, and there's a strange b-plot, which is clearly supposed to make us care about the support cast. Trelawney, the bizarre voodoo expert and would-be psychic from the West Indies, turns out to really be DJ, a Witness Protection Programme relocatee from Detroit. In time-honoured TV tradition, she tells Kelly her story in a loud voice in a crowded holiday resort. So presumably we can expect a mob hit next week, then.


Hammerhead as Spence, or Hulk Hogan Does Evil.


Looks more like Squarehead to me...


Spence is utterly shocked and dumbfounded by the charges brought against him.
No, he is. Honestly.


Growly!Bru. Who is not the one under arrest, thank you. Hands off.


Evil Suit Man.


Spence is utterly shocked and... no, never mind.


Hammerhead fails to understand that what he has is a mask, and not a real Spencer.


His minions begin to consider alternative employment.


Well gosh, that would fool anybody.


Trelawney, Jamaican nutball and barbecue chef.


Or is she really DJ? Yes, well, presumably it matters to her.


Underwater wrestling!


Spence saves Florida. Or one bit of it at least. Possibly Miami.


You could have done without that one, couldn't you. :)
Next time... Oh, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. But it's good.