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So, last night I watched The Avengers for the first time. Or Avengers Assemble, I suppose I should say, lest somebody mistakenly assume that Iron Man has been hanging out with Joanna Lumley. He may have been, for all I know. Just not on a screen anywhere near me. Anyway, I was going to bother everybody with my thoughts afterwards, but LiveJournal was down. In a prime example of just how kind I am to the internet, however, I made notes. And now, tonight instead, everybody gets to find out my opinion. I know. Sometimes my generosity impresses even me.
First up, it was very good. Just as well, given how long I had waited to see it. I do have one or two issues, though. I did consider presenting them in handy bullet list form, but that's probably a little obsessive even for me. Although I may resort to it later, just because. Anyway, good though it was, it did feel rather like part one. I've been prodding the DVD, but it won't give me another two hours of exploding, which seems somehow incomplete of everything. I'm not objecting to the fact that it took one and a half hours for everybody to finish saying hello, as at no point was I bored; but is it not possible that, if you're insisting on spending ninety minutes setting the plot up, we could have a little bit more than roughly half an hour of actually fighting the bad guys? I mean, all that time spent on introductions, and then suddenly giant, flying, robot lizards full of space goblins! I am fully on board with the giant, flying, robot lizards full of space goblins. They were good. Much love for giant, flying, robot lizards full of space goblins, and no I'm not tired of writing that yet. But I'd have liked to have had them around for a bit longer, and not had them all be dead quite so quick, thank you kindly.
Secondly, Barton. Hawkeye? Except without Trapper and moonshine. Not convinced. He's awesome when he's shooting things, don't get me wrong. Just don't ask me to be interested in his off-duty moments. Ditto Romanov. Half the internet seems to be in love with her, and the other half seems to hate her. As usual I disagree with everybody. She's great when she's fighting, but stop trying to get me to care about her when she isn't. This is valuable time when things could be exploding. Barton and Romanov, in love but won't admit it, worried they're not up to fighting alongside the rest of the Avengers. Okay, great. See, I said that in a sentence. It didn't need half a movie.
Third point, and I seem to have sort of gone bullety anyway. Loki. Awesome, obviously, and much better than his boring brother. But really, we're supposed to take him seriously as a conqueror of worlds with that helmet? And I thought Captain America's outfit was daft. It pales in comparison when confronted with a lime green megalomaniac with a head dressed up like a novelty fork.
Hulk! I never thought I would warm to a Banner/Hulk conglomerate that wasn't Bixby and Ferrigno. The new guy is great, though. I am definitely on board with a believably geeky physics nerd, shuffling around in a science lab. Still can't quite get won over by the Hulk being a cartoon now, though. My brain will apparently never fully accept CGI. Why is a giant cartoon thought to be more realistic than a man painted green? Neither is really the Hulk. We all know that neither is really the Hulk. However a man painted green is at least a real man, really there, and really not being a cartoon. This is better than a cartoon, because - and I cannot stress this strongly enough - it is not a cartoon. And yes, I do realise that somebody who thinks Ray Harryhausen should still be doing all movie FX ever is not going to be taken too seriously by the movie industry now. I still stand by my opinion, though. And Banner's name is not Bruce, it's David. I thought we sorted that one out in 1978?
Where did the internet's Captain America/Iron Man obsession come from? I didn't notice a tiny scrap of it. Quite apart from the fact that Stark seemed to be slashing himself with Banner, and quite apart from the fact that they genuinely enjoyed each other's company, and that the Hulk even seemed to like Stark too, the America/Iron Man thing just didn't go anywhere. It didn't begin anywhere either, come to that. I'm sorry, internet, but it just didn't exist. You were making it up, admit it. And Captain America isn't even interesting, so why?
Giant, flying, robot lizards full of space goblins!
And then it ended, and Stark and Banner got into a car and drove off, and that was arguably the most promising bit of the movie. I want an Iron Man And The Hulk Go And Smash Things Movie, and I want it now. It's okay, I don't really need a plot. Physics and geekery interspersed with smashing would be just fine, thanks. The Banner & Stark Road Movie. The world needs it. Or I do, which is much the same thing only a bit smaller and less loud.
Red Space Goblin On A Spangly Asteroid. Comic book fans probably know who he was. I don't, but he had a post credits sequence, so he's presumably important, and coming to a Marvel movie near you soon. I'm guessing a new Thor movie, but I don't care about that, as Thor is dull. I'm just going to hope that the red space goblin will be the bad guy in a new, upcoming Stark And Banner Do Physics And Smashing Things movie that Marvel has somehow forgotten to get around to announcing yet.
I may have now covered all the bases. Except it needed more Jarvis, and a bit more Pepper would be nice; although I suppose it would be unfair to have made it any more Iron Man & Friends than it was already. It did need a bit more of an adventure after all of the introductions, though. It really did. It felt too much like part one, and that's not so great when part two might not materialise for another three years, and when it does will have a different plot.
And finally, I would of course hate Loki utterly, were it not for the clear fact that Coulson isn't really dead. That wasn't Coulson, for starters - it was a shambling, Captain America fanboy - but even if it really was Coulson, he's clearly not dead because he's Coulson. Were he actually dead, then Loki could go fry in some terrible Asgardian hell, no matter how much cooler than almost the entire Avengers Iniative he is. But it's okay, because Coulson isn't dead. Obviously.
I have a Terry's chocolate orange. I need to stop eating it. Now would be good.
I think that's all.
First up, it was very good. Just as well, given how long I had waited to see it. I do have one or two issues, though. I did consider presenting them in handy bullet list form, but that's probably a little obsessive even for me. Although I may resort to it later, just because. Anyway, good though it was, it did feel rather like part one. I've been prodding the DVD, but it won't give me another two hours of exploding, which seems somehow incomplete of everything. I'm not objecting to the fact that it took one and a half hours for everybody to finish saying hello, as at no point was I bored; but is it not possible that, if you're insisting on spending ninety minutes setting the plot up, we could have a little bit more than roughly half an hour of actually fighting the bad guys? I mean, all that time spent on introductions, and then suddenly giant, flying, robot lizards full of space goblins! I am fully on board with the giant, flying, robot lizards full of space goblins. They were good. Much love for giant, flying, robot lizards full of space goblins, and no I'm not tired of writing that yet. But I'd have liked to have had them around for a bit longer, and not had them all be dead quite so quick, thank you kindly.
Secondly, Barton. Hawkeye? Except without Trapper and moonshine. Not convinced. He's awesome when he's shooting things, don't get me wrong. Just don't ask me to be interested in his off-duty moments. Ditto Romanov. Half the internet seems to be in love with her, and the other half seems to hate her. As usual I disagree with everybody. She's great when she's fighting, but stop trying to get me to care about her when she isn't. This is valuable time when things could be exploding. Barton and Romanov, in love but won't admit it, worried they're not up to fighting alongside the rest of the Avengers. Okay, great. See, I said that in a sentence. It didn't need half a movie.
Third point, and I seem to have sort of gone bullety anyway. Loki. Awesome, obviously, and much better than his boring brother. But really, we're supposed to take him seriously as a conqueror of worlds with that helmet? And I thought Captain America's outfit was daft. It pales in comparison when confronted with a lime green megalomaniac with a head dressed up like a novelty fork.
Hulk! I never thought I would warm to a Banner/Hulk conglomerate that wasn't Bixby and Ferrigno. The new guy is great, though. I am definitely on board with a believably geeky physics nerd, shuffling around in a science lab. Still can't quite get won over by the Hulk being a cartoon now, though. My brain will apparently never fully accept CGI. Why is a giant cartoon thought to be more realistic than a man painted green? Neither is really the Hulk. We all know that neither is really the Hulk. However a man painted green is at least a real man, really there, and really not being a cartoon. This is better than a cartoon, because - and I cannot stress this strongly enough - it is not a cartoon. And yes, I do realise that somebody who thinks Ray Harryhausen should still be doing all movie FX ever is not going to be taken too seriously by the movie industry now. I still stand by my opinion, though. And Banner's name is not Bruce, it's David. I thought we sorted that one out in 1978?
Where did the internet's Captain America/Iron Man obsession come from? I didn't notice a tiny scrap of it. Quite apart from the fact that Stark seemed to be slashing himself with Banner, and quite apart from the fact that they genuinely enjoyed each other's company, and that the Hulk even seemed to like Stark too, the America/Iron Man thing just didn't go anywhere. It didn't begin anywhere either, come to that. I'm sorry, internet, but it just didn't exist. You were making it up, admit it. And Captain America isn't even interesting, so why?
Giant, flying, robot lizards full of space goblins!
And then it ended, and Stark and Banner got into a car and drove off, and that was arguably the most promising bit of the movie. I want an Iron Man And The Hulk Go And Smash Things Movie, and I want it now. It's okay, I don't really need a plot. Physics and geekery interspersed with smashing would be just fine, thanks. The Banner & Stark Road Movie. The world needs it. Or I do, which is much the same thing only a bit smaller and less loud.
Red Space Goblin On A Spangly Asteroid. Comic book fans probably know who he was. I don't, but he had a post credits sequence, so he's presumably important, and coming to a Marvel movie near you soon. I'm guessing a new Thor movie, but I don't care about that, as Thor is dull. I'm just going to hope that the red space goblin will be the bad guy in a new, upcoming Stark And Banner Do Physics And Smashing Things movie that Marvel has somehow forgotten to get around to announcing yet.
I may have now covered all the bases. Except it needed more Jarvis, and a bit more Pepper would be nice; although I suppose it would be unfair to have made it any more Iron Man & Friends than it was already. It did need a bit more of an adventure after all of the introductions, though. It really did. It felt too much like part one, and that's not so great when part two might not materialise for another three years, and when it does will have a different plot.
And finally, I would of course hate Loki utterly, were it not for the clear fact that Coulson isn't really dead. That wasn't Coulson, for starters - it was a shambling, Captain America fanboy - but even if it really was Coulson, he's clearly not dead because he's Coulson. Were he actually dead, then Loki could go fry in some terrible Asgardian hell, no matter how much cooler than almost the entire Avengers Iniative he is. But it's okay, because Coulson isn't dead. Obviously.
I have a Terry's chocolate orange. I need to stop eating it. Now would be good.
I think that's all.