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In 1922, when he was nine years old, Burt Lancaster went to summer camp. Not all that unusual with an American kid, apparently; but at this summer camp, little Burt met a boy named Nick Cravat (actually he wasn't called that then, but bear with me). They decided to become acrobats, and wound up joining a circus. Probably not quite when they were nine. They might have waited until they were ten or something. The point is, this is surely the sort of thing we should be encouraging more? Anyway, then they grew up and made films together, of which two are especially famous. The first, The Flame And The Arrow (1950), has, if I'm perfectly honest, very little plot. It's just about Burt Lancaster and Nick Cravat swinging from chandeliers a lot. Not that I mind that in the slightest, but I do prefer The Crimson Pirate. This is firstly because it has a plot, and secondly because it's about pirates. Mostly, though, it's about Burt Lancaster and Nick Cravat swinging from ropes a lot; and you can't really get a whole lot better than that.
Is there anybody in the world who hasn't seen The Crimson Pirate? I'm not sure there's any need to review the plot, but I will do anyway. There's a pirate, and he's not especially crimson, actually. He just wears red trousers. Anyway, in between swinging from ropes and jumping out of windows with his best friend Ojo, he gets caught up with rebels and soldiers. Interestingly, this leads to quite a lot of swinging from ropes. There's no treasure, which is a bit of an oversight, but there's a lovely sailing ship or two, a hot air balloon, a pre-steampunk submarine, and lots of bouncing. This is the kind of thing that's missing from the modern world, you know. Nobody swings from ropes anymore. Nobody even has ropes anymore, really. I've seen policemen chasing criminals, and not once have I seen any of them jump in and out of windows, or swing from washing lines in the process. Or shout "Avast!" for absolutely no reason. And Hollywood has forgotten how to swing from ropes, too. All their action movies nowadays involve ridiculous CGI scenes intended to look like computer games, so nothing even obeys the laws of physics, let alone looks swashbuckly. And there aren't nearly enough children wanting to be in circuses nowadays, either. Start them young, get them swinging from things, and it will make the world (and Hollywood) a better place. Trust me on this.
Anyway, and then the pirates win, and there's a girl and some kissing, though that's not a terribly interesting bit. Although it does involve a bit of rope-swinging, so it's not all bad. Also, some stuff blows up. It's not quite the perfect film, but it has a whole lot of fun not really trying to be. Basically it's what happens when you let a man make a film with his best mate, just because he wants to, and then let them start working on it even though the script isn't actually written yet. Apparently it was the inspiration for Disneyland's Pirates Of The Caribbean ride, although I'm not quite sure how. That in turn was the inspiration for Pirates Of The Caribbean, a film which is almost twice as long as The Crimson Pirate, yet has half as much happening in it. Doesn't have anybody in red trousers in it, either. Not that that would really have helped.
Sorry. Pictures!
I can see how shirtlessness amongst Caribbean pirates may be historically accurate, but I'm dubious about the baby oil.
Cool flag.
Rope-swinging on an industrial scale. This is a very promising beginning.
Very pretty ship.
And some really quite pretty clothing, as well. These aren't pirates, though. These are soldiers of some ilk.
Our heroes, in some spectacularly Hollywoodian piratical clothing, here demonstrate some gratuitously theatrical standing.
Everybody should escape from the police by back flips. They just should.
Wildly enthusiastic balcony vaulting. Also chickens.
Swords!
Further wildly excitable escape-by-balcony.
Laundry-swinging. One of the first things you learn at Pirate School.
Hilariously gratuitous parallel bars sequence. Every town has convenient parallel bars positioned for maximum escape dramatics. Obviously.
Cannon!
It's in there somewhere. Underneath the bang.
Acting Moment.
Flame thrower!
Escape by balloon. For some reason this involves shirtlessness.
It's the world's least believable balloon. No way is that staying up in the air under its own power.
Still, it leads to things blowing up, so I'm not complaining.
And then it makes some water blow up too.
Then, just in case there haven't been enough acrobatics yet, our heroes abseil down from the hot air balloon onto the ship. As action sequences go, that's pretty damned unique.
Hello.
There are ropes, ergo somebody must swing from them. I think it must be compulsory.
Unexpected Kirk Douglas impersonation.
Blink-and-you'll-miss-him Christopher Lee.
Tandem rope swinging.
He's off again. Nice view of the ship below as he swings.
He's off to rescue the heroine, but all she did was wear dresses and pout a lot, so he might just as well not have bothered.
You see, this is the problem with modern piracy. Nobody's willing to wear brightly coloured knickerbockers and ballet pumps anymore.
So there you have it. Proof positive that the world is a better place if you let your children swing from things. Not an argument that ever worked with my mother, but that's no reason not to persevere with it.
You can wait until they've grown up before you let them jump out of windows, though. If you really must.
Is there anybody in the world who hasn't seen The Crimson Pirate? I'm not sure there's any need to review the plot, but I will do anyway. There's a pirate, and he's not especially crimson, actually. He just wears red trousers. Anyway, in between swinging from ropes and jumping out of windows with his best friend Ojo, he gets caught up with rebels and soldiers. Interestingly, this leads to quite a lot of swinging from ropes. There's no treasure, which is a bit of an oversight, but there's a lovely sailing ship or two, a hot air balloon, a pre-steampunk submarine, and lots of bouncing. This is the kind of thing that's missing from the modern world, you know. Nobody swings from ropes anymore. Nobody even has ropes anymore, really. I've seen policemen chasing criminals, and not once have I seen any of them jump in and out of windows, or swing from washing lines in the process. Or shout "Avast!" for absolutely no reason. And Hollywood has forgotten how to swing from ropes, too. All their action movies nowadays involve ridiculous CGI scenes intended to look like computer games, so nothing even obeys the laws of physics, let alone looks swashbuckly. And there aren't nearly enough children wanting to be in circuses nowadays, either. Start them young, get them swinging from things, and it will make the world (and Hollywood) a better place. Trust me on this.
Anyway, and then the pirates win, and there's a girl and some kissing, though that's not a terribly interesting bit. Although it does involve a bit of rope-swinging, so it's not all bad. Also, some stuff blows up. It's not quite the perfect film, but it has a whole lot of fun not really trying to be. Basically it's what happens when you let a man make a film with his best mate, just because he wants to, and then let them start working on it even though the script isn't actually written yet. Apparently it was the inspiration for Disneyland's Pirates Of The Caribbean ride, although I'm not quite sure how. That in turn was the inspiration for Pirates Of The Caribbean, a film which is almost twice as long as The Crimson Pirate, yet has half as much happening in it. Doesn't have anybody in red trousers in it, either. Not that that would really have helped.
Sorry. Pictures!
I can see how shirtlessness amongst Caribbean pirates may be historically accurate, but I'm dubious about the baby oil.
Cool flag.
Rope-swinging on an industrial scale. This is a very promising beginning.
Very pretty ship.
And some really quite pretty clothing, as well. These aren't pirates, though. These are soldiers of some ilk.
Our heroes, in some spectacularly Hollywoodian piratical clothing, here demonstrate some gratuitously theatrical standing.
Everybody should escape from the police by back flips. They just should.
Wildly enthusiastic balcony vaulting. Also chickens.
Swords!
Further wildly excitable escape-by-balcony.
Laundry-swinging. One of the first things you learn at Pirate School.
Hilariously gratuitous parallel bars sequence. Every town has convenient parallel bars positioned for maximum escape dramatics. Obviously.
Cannon!
It's in there somewhere. Underneath the bang.
Acting Moment.
Flame thrower!
Escape by balloon. For some reason this involves shirtlessness.
It's the world's least believable balloon. No way is that staying up in the air under its own power.
Still, it leads to things blowing up, so I'm not complaining.
And then it makes some water blow up too.
Then, just in case there haven't been enough acrobatics yet, our heroes abseil down from the hot air balloon onto the ship. As action sequences go, that's pretty damned unique.
Hello.
There are ropes, ergo somebody must swing from them. I think it must be compulsory.
Unexpected Kirk Douglas impersonation.
Blink-and-you'll-miss-him Christopher Lee.
Tandem rope swinging.
He's off again. Nice view of the ship below as he swings.
He's off to rescue the heroine, but all she did was wear dresses and pout a lot, so he might just as well not have bothered.
You see, this is the problem with modern piracy. Nobody's willing to wear brightly coloured knickerbockers and ballet pumps anymore.
So there you have it. Proof positive that the world is a better place if you let your children swing from things. Not an argument that ever worked with my mother, but that's no reason not to persevere with it.
You can wait until they've grown up before you let them jump out of windows, though. If you really must.